Thursday, May 16, 2013


I wrote this poem recently, while participating in Redemption Groups at my church. It's about an on-going struggle I've been having with depression and how God has been showing up and revealing Himself to me in the midst of it. It's about the ongoing work of the redemptive grace of God that I have been experiencing. I started writing this poem back in Februrary, not long after I began attending Redemption group, and I finished it at the end of March/beginning of April.

My Psalm of Redemption

In an agony of fear, I sit    
And wonder where you are.
And in my pain I long for death
To free me from here and now.

I forget my God who loves me,
Blind to my Father’s face so dear,
As the tally of my sins compound
And the enemy’s voice draws near.

            “You are unworthy, and so worthless,
            How could a perfect God
            Ever love a soul so wretched,
            So hopeless and so vile.”

And waves of sin and hopelessness
Flood my heart and soul.
And death rises up and seems so sweet
And lies surround me now.

Tormented as with fire,
My shredded soul cries out,
For God has reached his hand to me
And drawn me to his heart.

He answers me so tenderly,
His Father-voice is kind:
“You are mine my daughter,
My son gave his life for you.”

            “My love for you is perfect
            My love for you is true.
            My love for you has always been,
            I never will leave you.”

And yet the fear still pulls at me
And lies encamp me round.
I yearn to trust my God so dear,
But fears my thoughts confound.

In the tension of the moment
I break like a porcelain doll.
And the fragments lie in God’s
Own hands for him to heal them all. 

Heal me, oh God heal me,
As can only be done by you!
For you alone are perfect,
And you alone are true.

I will trust in you forever
Though pain and fear I face.
As your spirit leads me onward
In the power of your grace.

I need you, how I need you,
For I know I must forgive.
And how costly it all seems to me
To release my fears and live.

For fear has been my idol,
And fear has been my faith.
For if I know how to be fearful
Can I not protect my place?

But that protection leads me nowhere,
Except to hide me from the truth.
That fear is never needed
By a soul at rest in you.

In sorrow and in sadness
I see my true sin now.
As I tried to guard myself from harm,
I turned from you somehow.

And even as I see it, in kindness
You reply. By showing me
Your hand so dear
Has always captured mine.

And looking back I see the steps
When, altogether unaware,
You took my hand and led my feet
To where my Savior stands.

And looking out, half fearful,
As through a tunnel see small lights.
And a change begins, though slowly,
Viewed through tear-filled eyes.

So now I must face the anguish,
Where before I ran to hide,
And I know that I can trust you,
Though the thought it terrifies.

Please open up my hands oh God,
Please hold me close tonight,
Please give me time to face the pain,
And trust in you for life.

Yet still I stand half-turned
From you and feel a weighty shame.
As sins, both mine and others,
Crush me with their blame.

The weight is more than I can bear,
Christ bore it on the cross.
My Father holds his hand to me
And I know now, I’m not lost.

“Come meet with me my daughter,
Sit now and rest a while.” He calls.
I long to answer, and, shrinking, slowly turn,
And as I look into his face…
            …I fall into his hands.

And suddenly, I realize,
I am standing on the brink,
Of really, truly trusting him,
The past will not make me sink.

And wounded though I may be,
I see a spot of hope…
Where life and light are intertwined
And faith has now begun to shine,
And even though things are not right
He meets me where I am tonight.

The girls are quiet,
My husband sleeps.
And I prepare to take the leap.
Along with Christ, embrace the pain,
And in his arms, a broken thing,
I, weeping, find peace once again.

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